“She loves like she drives
– always changing lanes,
distracted by her phone.”
– Derek Robert Delahunt
If you don’t mind, I’m going to give you some advice. Distraction is an unattractive quality.
Have you ever had a man glance over your shoulder while you’re looking into his eyes, or had an intimate conversation with a woman over a romantic dinner while she’s having an intimate conversation on her phone under the table?
How did it feel?
In a world where serial dating, non-monogamy, polyamory, panamory, and polykoity are the normal way of romancing each other, when we’re having two conversations on Snapchat plus two on WhatsApp and three more on the old-school text, when we’re constantly changing lovers like lanes on a crowded highway—we find ourselves distracted. We find ourselves distracted by vibrating phones or by that hot blonde that just walked through the door.
That’s right. I just called a woman, another human, a blonde—but that’s my point. Without connection, our romantic partners are merely props, and it’s hard to connect when you’re thinking about the next date with your secondary or when you’re scheduling your next three shags.
It’s hard to connect when you’re anticipating what you’ve got planned tomorrow night instead of focusing on who’s sitting across the table from you.
She may not notice that you took your cell phone to the bathroom, and he may not have any idea that as you lay in bed texting intimate words back and forth, that you’re also texting two other men at the same time. He may not notice, but he can feel it. Trust me, she can feel it by what she’s not feeling.
Look, I’m not knocking any of those p-words. I’m down with anything that spreads love in its many, many forms. I’m down with empowerment. I’m down with freedom. I’m down with it’s nobody else’s fucking business.
But I also see so many of us disengaging in the name of empowerment or in the name of personal growth. I see a plague of distraction and short attention spans. I see presence spread thin like a cheap coat of paint.
You see, all those multitasking habits we learned at work we now apply to dating. We apply those habits to our relationships and our sex lives. And like I said, distraction is unattractive. Inattention is ugly.
But there’s nothing more attractive than someone who pays attention to what’s in front of them. There’s nothing more erotic than presence. There’s nothing hotter than an honest connected conversation—eye to eye—even if you can’t see each other.
It doesn’t matter how many people you date or how many people you sleep with—that’s nobody’s business—but when you’re with someone, be monogamous.
I’m not saying that you need to be monogamous in the relationship sense, I’m saying be monogamous in the moment.
Look, that little black dress is really hot. That dark fitted suit is really sexy. But if you really want to turn someone on, give them your mind. Turn off your phone and focus that wandering mind.
Just be there. Fully. And completely.
It’s really sexy.
Published at The Good Men Project. Click here to read.