Published by Elephant Journal, August 11, 2017 (Click to View)
She dropped her bag on the bed and walked to the window.
He had followed her in, but now stood in the middle of the room to watch her from a distance. He noticed how she gently placed her hands on the glass and turned her gaze to the sidewalk and street below.
Six weeks he had waited for this moment. Six weeks he had ached for the taste of her skin, soft and fragrant with coconut oil. Six weeks he had dreamed of her beautiful back under his lips, each inch as if it were a new land discovered for the first time—his hands moving slowly under her shirt and over her breasts. For six weeks now, he had lived this kiss in his mind, over and over.
“Oh,” she moaned before her own gasp cut her off. He had walked up behind her and quietly fallen to his knees and now she felt his soft lips and scratchy beard low on her back, his hands on her stomach. Her breath quivered.
She didn’t turn around. She stood there with her hands pressed against the glass, her back arching slightly under the sensation of his mouth, softly kissing and sucking her skin. With him she had learned how to receive—learned how to surrender and open herself to his lead.
And so, she let it happen and in doing so, felt only him. Everything else was like a distant and muffled conversation as she felt his hands slide up to gently hold her breasts, and felt, kiss by kiss, his lips slowly move up her spine toward her neck.
That’s how it can be.
Your kiss can be a precious gift of your total presence—an authentic and erotic expression of your affection and attraction—one that makes her feel that she is, in that moment, the most important person in your world.
First, let me say that I cringe whenever I read someone’s, “How to give her better orgasms,” bag-of-tricks article—even if it’s written under the camouflage of mindfulness. I cringe because I know there’s no blueprint to great sex or to an intimate kiss.
I know from experience that a woman will not open herself to you because you said all the right words, kissed and touched her in all the right spots. Sure, she may sleep with you, if that’s what she wants, but I know from observation that she will not be truly open. Not that way.
You see, your ability to express yourself through your kiss depends entirely on the depth of presence you bring to the moment. You should also know that you can only contribute yourself and the connection you may create with the kiss depends on both of you. You both have roles to play—you as the strong and trusted masculine—and she as the open feminine recipient.
I’m here to talk about your half of the equation—you as the masculine energy.
Before I continue, it’s important to know that, “he,” and, “she,” as I write it, refers to the two people who represent within the sexual equation only the masculine and feminine energy—not their gender or gender identity. In my mind, as I write, I’m thinking of a man and woman—but, please know that it’s not my intent to be gender-specific.
There are many different scenarios in which you will kiss a woman. Like two ships passing in the night, you may go home with someone after meeting in a bar, with no intent to ever talk again. You may find the courage to kiss a woman you’ve ached to kiss for a long time. You might kiss a new girlfriend, a longtime wife, or you might find yourself somewhere you’re not supposed to be, kissing someone you’re not supposed to be with.
For any of these situations, it is possible to find in that kiss a deep and intimate connection.
Wherever you are—with a stranger for one night, or with the love of your life—the same principle applies: it all depends on the depth of presence you bring to the moment. It depends on your commitment to be fully conscious and aware only of her. It doesn’t matter if your kisses are hard or soft, wet or dry. What matters is how much presence you give.
“How do you do this? How do I kiss her like that, with total presence?”
Follow these and she will measure kisses from all other men by your kiss:
1) Stop what you’re doing. You can’t give her your full presence if you’re doing anything else. Stop talking, texting, or scrolling through Instagram. Turn your phone to silent and put it down. Anything you’re holding, a cup of coffee, a banana, or your carry-on suitcase, put it down. If you’re driving, then pull over and turn off the car.
2) Focus your awareness on her and notice. Take a long, deep breath. Take another and notice her scent. Maybe it’s her perfume, coconut oil, or her sweaty skin from yoga class. Let it fill your lungs.
Look at her. Not just into her eyes but look at the rest of her. Notice something unique or beautiful about her body—maybe the curve of her upper lip or the violent storms of consciousness shown in her deep blue eyes. Notice how she stands—confident with perfect posture. Notice how she breathes.
Focus only on her and block out other conversations, the restaurant noises—block out everything else in the room. The rest of the world, even time, should become fuzzy, distant, and unimportant.
3) Kiss her body. Don’t kiss her where you think she wants to be kissed. Kiss her where you’ve ached to kiss her. Maybe it’s the side of her neck, right under her earlobe. Maybe it’s that spot on her back, right between her shoulder blades. It could be her fingers or her toes or right where that freckle sits atop the beautiful curve of her hip.
Wherever she’s kissed, make it slow and remember that it’s a gift of your total presence, an expression of your affection and attraction.
4) Use your hands. Kiss her, not only with your lips, but also with your hands. Kiss her with the rest of your body as well.
You see, we communicate with more than our mouths and the same applies to our kisses. Use your entire body to express your complete presence. You may hold her head, gently, or run your hands through her scalp, pulling her hair slightly. With both hands you may cradle her back, as if to say, “I’ve got you.” If your relationship is already sexual, you may gently push her against a wall as you softly suck her neck and massage her breasts, as if to say, “I want you.”
The point is, whatever you do, let her feel all of you. Let her feel your hands and your hips, the tenderness of your touch and the quickening of your breath. Communicate with everything you’ve got.
5) Get creative. Maybe you walk up behind her, or drop to your knees. Try slowly pulling some clothing out of the way just to get to that spot you want to kiss or drip some honey on her wrist and lick it off.
But don’t listen to me, your kiss isn’t from my memories. It’s your gift—so put your mind into it and use your creativity to show the depth of your presence.
6) Stand in your masculine energy. Think about the most intimate and connected sex you’ve ever had. Whether it was the man or the woman, there was probably someone in control, the masculine energy, and someone fully surrendered and open, the feminine energy.
Great sex is equally about f*cking and being f*cked—two halves of the whole—and the same applies to a great kiss. There is one who is kissing and one who is being kissed. Your role, as the masculine, is to kiss.
Your masculine energy is felt in your heart, expressed in the way you carry yourself, and expressed through your awareness of her feminine half.
It’s expressed through your hands gently cradling her back because she needs to feel protected. It’s expressed through your quivering breath, felt warm in her ear, because she needs to know you’re vulnerable. And, it’s expressed through your focused attention, focused on that beautiful curve of her upper lip, because she needs to feel truly noticed. This is what I mean by “standing in your masculine energy.”
When the masculine and feminine come together they can merge into one, and as one, sensation may be felt through the other half—the other person.
Now that I’ve outlined the six steps, let me say that any “set of steps” given as sex advice is also a fraud.
Women cannot be manipulated by a formula. She’s not going to measure kisses from all other men by your kiss. These steps are really just a literary framework to express my opinion about the importance of presence and creativity to intimacy. I do think it’s helpful to do all these things, but it’s not the only path. Even if you do give your total presence, then you’re still only halfway there.
You’re halfway there because you are only half of the equation—and that is not a fraud.
Like I said, in a great kiss there is one who is kissing and one who is being kissed. The depth of the connection depends equally on both. She, as the feminine, must be open and surrendered.
Keep in mind that in order for her to be open, or receptive to your affection, she must want to be kissed and she must trust you. She also needs to know how to open herself, which for some, can be a vulnerable thing to do.
Even if she can do all that, there’s still a lot that can get in the way of a great kiss or an intimate connection. Her mind may be somewhere else—or on someone else.
If that’s the case, it doesn’t mean you can’t kiss and that you both won’t enjoy it. It just limits the depth of connection you will experience together.
Now I think it’s fair to ask if I’ve had that connection—the deeply intimate kiss where you merge body and energy into one being? The kiss in which everything else in the world disappears? The supernatural kiss when time stops? Anyone who needs to know that already knows—but if I hadn’t, it would be hard to write this article, wouldn’t it?
I will say, in all my years, that I’ve had countless unconnected kisses. I’ve experienced bad kissing, good kissing, and everything in-between—enough to observe what is missing from the bad ones. In fact, some of the women with whom I’ve kissed may read this and say, “What the hell is he writing about? He doesn’t know how to kiss!” And, in many cases, they would be right.
In many cases, I wasn’t present, I wasn’t in my masculine energy and sometimes, like the majority of men, I was just naively following the steps I thought I needed to follow in order to get inside a woman.
The hard truth is that a deep intimate connection is so rare that most people will never experience it. Without the experience it is nothing they can know, so those who haven’t will never miss it, except in their imagination. But, if they don’t bring their attention and awareness to the moment—their total presence—then they are guaranteed never to experience it.
Trust me, the effort is worth it.
If you do experience it, if you’re lucky enough to find that deep connected intimacy, even in a kiss, it will give you a glimpse of what is possible. It will give you a glimpse of the depth, power, and love within the universe—a glimpse that may change your consciousness.