Published Dec 26 on The Good Men Project
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“Hey, wait a moment,” he said to her as he shut his laptop and stood up from the kitchen table. “What’s going on? I’m late for work” she thought as he walked toward her. To her surprise, he gently pushed her against the wall, right where the kid’s coats hung. He held her there with an intense stare. She remembered how her purse fell from her hand as he softly sucked her lips, his fingers in her hair. “See you tonight,” he said, leaving her against the wall. And remembering this she smiled and looked at her watch as she felt the warm expression of her love against the conference room chair.
It can be a bit overwhelming --- all the articles, the video blogs, the books, the seminars, all telling you how find, grow or keep your relationship. Find your highest purpose in life. Choose her every day. Love yourself first. Find your own truth first. There’s so much advice out there, and yes, it is good advice and it will help you. And yes, you should read these books. You should seek, both inside and outside, if what you hope to create is a happy and fulfilling relationship.
But where do you start when there’s so much to choose from?
The answer is, with one first step. And here it is…
The next time you leave her, just before one of you walks out the door or gets out of the car, do this. It’s the one thing that every man in a relationship must do. Do it and she will be distracted with thoughts of you --- distracted until the next time she sees you.
No I don’t mean kiss her the way you always kiss her. Not the way two people kiss after they’ve been together for a long time, quickly on the mouth or cheek, as a routine or an emotionless ritual. Not the way you kiss when you’re in a hurry to get out the door. Never over the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in your hand, and not the way you kiss in front of the kids.
I mean kiss her as if nothing else exists in the world. Like it’s the first time and the last. Kiss her with your eyes, and your hands, and your chest, your pelvis and your mouth. Kiss her at the same time with fierceness and softness. But mostly, kiss her with your consciousness.
You see, it’s not your lips that will move her. It’s your presence. It’s that you have turned everything on, all of your senses and your awareness, and you are focused entirely on her. Even if it’s just for a moment. When a woman says to her girlfriends, “He’s a great kisser,” what she means (whether she knows it or not) is that he was fully present --- that, in his arms, she felt that she was the most important person in the world.
Ultimately, for your relationship to flourish, you need to become fully present whenever you’re with her. But learning that may take time. And yes, you need to read those books. Think about hiring a relationship coach. But kissing her, every day with your fullest attention --- that is your first step, and by doing that you can make an immediate and positive change in your relationship.
When you do it every day, it will become habit. Not habit in the way that you say, “love ya,” as you rush out the door. I mean habit in the way that it becomes instinctive.
So how do I kiss her like that? You ask.
First, stop what you’re doing. Hang up the phone and put it away. Shut the MacBook. If something’s in your hand, a briefcase, a cup of coffee, then put it down. If you’re in the car, turn off the engine.
Next, take a slow deep breath and clear your mind of everything except her (the breath will help with this). Look at her. Notice her scent. Notice the curve of her lip, a fleck of color in her eye. Notice something that you love about her. Something unique.
Now let your body and your heart fill with love. Let it fill with lust.
Filling your heart may be an abstract concept. If it is, then try this: Breathe deep and slow as you relax the core of your body. Remember how you felt when you kissed her for the first time, or think about the last time you had sex with her. Remember how you felt when she was away and you were missing her. Now visualize that feeling as energy filling your body. Visualize the energy filling your heart.
Now… kiss her.
It doesn’t matter where you kiss her: On her mouth, on her neck, on each of her fingers, or on her wrist. It doesn’t matter if it’s firm or soft, wet or dry. What matters is that you kiss her with your full attention. Your total, complete, presence. This is what I mean when I write, “kiss her with your consciousness.”
And when you kiss her, do it with more than your lips. Kiss her with your body. Run your hands through her hair or hold her shoulders. Interlace your fingers with hers. If there’s a wall, gently push her against it and press your hips into her hips. If she’s in a chair, come up behind her and kiss the back of her neck. Get creative.
That love and lust energy that you felt in your heart, visualize it flowing into her. Trust me, she will feel it.
After you kiss her, you don’t need to say anything. You’ve already said it.
Now here’s the important part: You have to do it again tomorrow. And the next day. In fact, kiss her every day. Forever. If you’re only dating, then kiss her every time you leave her. Do it right before you go your separate ways, as she’s leaving for work or just before you walk out the door. If you’re arguing, then you really need to kiss her. Do this and you will leave her wet, literally and figuratively. She will carry your presence inside her. It will distract her. It will make her smile. Imagine your relationship if she felt this way every day.
Routine is the slow death of passion. As we multitask our jobs, bills, and the kids, fly-by affection is quick and easy. And although there is a place for the quick peck on the cheek, you cannot let it replace the slow, soft kiss that shows her nothing else in the world is worth interrupting your current attention on her.
The reason why sex on the kitchen floor or the back patio is so great is not because the hard ceramic tiles are easy on the knees, it is because in fully-present-sex, you don’t care where you’re fucking and by not caring you are saying that having sex with her is more important than anything else in the world. You need to bring the same attitude to your kiss, and ultimately to your relationship.
This is your first step. It’s something that you can remember to do every time you part ways. In time, you will learn to be fully present whenever she is by your side. It’s what she deserves. It’s the one thing that every man in a relationship must do.
Now go kiss her. Kiss her with your consciousness.